Pre-Suicide

When most people think of somebody depressed, they wouldn't picture me. I first got depressed around 18 out of nowhere. My parents think it was from an acne medication I was given (it wasn't even bad acne, just annoying normal teen zits) called Accutane. I started getting solemn and spending alot of time alone. I started training myself, body and mind, meditating and working out and eating perfectly on a plan for bodily optimization. After being so depressed I wanted to take my own life, I thought 'fuck it, I will live doing what I want, when I want, how I want. If I'm going to live, it's going to be on my own terms. It's going to be what I deem right and wrong.'

I also decided to kill myself around 30. Right at the point where people are either committing, or committed, to being a slave to the system for the next 30 years of their shadow of a life.

Now I've been there, done that. I'm 32 now. People actually don't believe me, I have to show my ID to prove it to co-workers. They all guess I'm 24-26. Maybe living every day doing what you love has some beneficial effects on the body after all. It might help those were kungfu and working out, but I've never read of those being called 'anti-aging methods' other than keeping your body in shape. In fact, from what I've read, training hard for hours and hours a day can actually improve your anti oxidant levels and age you faster due to cellular damage.

Anyways, now I've had some lame office job for the past year full time. It's very easy, I basically get to play online games all day because it is so slow. It doesn't even pay well. Basically I knew that a point would come when I'd have to give up the 'artist' lifestyle and grow up...and I knew I only chose the artist lifestyle because that's what I loved, and would ride it out as long as I could. It was awesome :)

The future from this point however is pretty bleak and lame. It's not hard for a person to know when they have reached the peak of a mountain, and are decending it on the opposite side.

I don't know how to kill myself though. I have read all the methods. I could simply step off a high contruction crane in the area, walk into freeway traffic, or set up a nice police assisted suicide scene and maybe invite the press. There are so many possibilities. I'd actually love to have the exact mixture Heath Ledger had, go to sleep nice and quiet. But the fact is that life is just getting worse for the average person. We are prodded like cattle to become something out of the options given, and we are expected to conform. We can't even speak up when things aren't fair...there are words to punish people who speak up, words like 'insubordination'.

The fact that we even have a word with such powerful consequences used in both the military and civilian sectors shows the state of our society...Insubordination. It's amazing, it can even get you reprocussions with rhyming words...Termination, Paid leave for an undetermined Duration (if your a dirty cop), Meetings and Reconciliation...fucking bullshit society if you ask me.

Most of the time I hear about or read about other suicides I wonder if they were truly emotionally unstable and depressed that way, or if they were just normal people who saw the world like me and made a decision. It's not like I've lost all my family members and friends to the plague. It's more like seeing the inevitably mundane, being a slave to the system which doesn't act in a proper manner in the first place, and refusing to comply. To not be a part of their great machine, but simply to do whatever you wanted to do in life before saying 'peace out'.